The Invasion of the Ex Lovers 2
by Atlantis1
Summary: a companion peice to IOTEL, a parody i wrote 2 years ago about Buffy S4 and riley. this time AtS, Goofy!Angel and Wuss!Spike are the target. and oh yeah, the WB too. anyway, don't fret over it... it's just my satiric view of events. no flames plz!


TITLE: The Invasion of the Ex Lovers 2   
AUTHOR: moi, the insane one   
DISCLAIMER: The characters all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemies and FOX. And anyone else with copyrights- not me, anyway.   
RATING: R   
SUMMARY: a companion piece to "The Invasion of the Ex-Lovers" fanfic I wrote nearly 2 years ago now.   
Author's Note: I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of it *g*   
Author's Note 2: Sorry for any misspelling or grammar, wrote this very fast.   
  
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The dusty blue carpet is stained with old dry blood, that for a long time   
looks like mud. From the wooden floor, the camera rise up to the sounds of   
humming like beehive with thousands of bees. But the camera focus on the   
first raw of the audience, and we can see Dawn, Xander (making out with)   
Anya, Willow - looking dangerously witchy, Tara, Wesley, Fred and Gunn.   
  
Narrator: And tonite, we have lots of special guests and lots of juicy   
details to nitpick. Not even death can stop us. Lots of secrets will be   
revealed for your killing- err- viewing pleasure. We promise blood, sex and   
blood, blood, blood! Please welcome- the one and only and fully resurrected-   
Jerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Springerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!   
  
Jerry walks proudly into the stage to the sound of the applauds from the   
audience. He waves at the audience. Red panties thrown around his neck.   
(Tara: Willow!! Willow: Sorry... couldn't resist.. he's sooo..." *thud*)   
  
Jerry: Thank you, thank you. I love me. It's a good night to be alive. I   
know I died the last time I hosted a show with this title, but what is   
death, but a new beginning? Death is not the final word and if anyone tells   
you that- kill him. Yes, well, on with the show, but first we need to clear   
something- this show airs on- UPN-   
  
A boy of around 3 years old who was sitting in the front of the stage   
playing with action figuers starts crying out loud. Another boy- around 8   
years old approaches Jerry holding a baseball bat.   
  
Jerry: I'm sorry Mr. Levin.. I- I didn't mean to make Mr. Kellner cry.   
  
Levin: Take that back!!   
  
Jerry: Yes, yes. This show airs on- errr- (he takes a handkerchief and wipes   
his sweat)   
This show airs on um, The WB.   
  
A growl comes from the audience. Jerry gives a wry smile as a large greedy   
well-dressed fox jumps on the stage and starts approaching him.   
  
Jerry: Okay... compromise.. (he flips his cards frantically looking for   
something). This show will air NOT on The WB (the kids on the stage start   
crying) and NOT on UPN. (the kids stop crying, but the fox is still growling   
menacingly), BUT- the copyrights and every profit belong to FOX. (the fox   
stops snarling and go back to his place).   
Ok... *mutters* that went well. Tonight on our show- we have another person   
who returned from the dead again- not quite as originally as yours truly, or-   
hm, McClaud. But she died for her fake sister. Ladies and gentleman- Please   
welcome- Buffffffffy Summmmmmers!   
  
The audience goes wild with cheering.   
  
Levin approaches Jerry again with the bat, while Kellner burst into tears   
and whines very loudly.   
  
Jerry: Sorry, I mean- B.   
  
The Slayer walks into the stage, followed by Spike, who's bouncing on all   
fours after her like a puppy.   
  
Jerry: I see you brought company.   
  
Buffy: Oh that's- just my stalker. But he's good now. Like a big fluffy   
puppy with bad teeth. But he can't bite.   
  
Jerry: Isn't he... a vampire?   
  
Spike: You bet your ass I am.   
  
Jerry: But I haven't invited you in.   
  
Buffy: (*smiles sheepishly*) He's not like other vampires. Rules don't apply   
to him.   
  
Jerry: (*looks confused*) Ah, I got it.   
  
Spike: It's the bloody chip in my brain, mate! (*smells the dry blood on the   
carpet*) Oh golly! It's blood!   
  
Spike rushes to the stain on the carpet, starts licking it. The audience   
starts buzzing uncomfortably. Buffy gets up, looking disgusted.   
  
Buffy: No, Spike! this is *wrong*!   
  
He bounces back to her side.   
  
Spike: Right, sorry. Don't know what's gotten to me. Like I'm possessed by a   
blood-thirsty demon.   
  
Jerry: Aren't *you* a blood-thirsty demon?   
  
Spike: Love ain't easy, mate.   
  
Jerry: Okay, that's true you know. I love me. *sigh* Well, Spike, are you   
the next in line to Buffy's bed? We know sometime ago she had that rkfkfkd   
guy.   
  
Spike: Who?   
  
Jerry: You know- rjfjkd. That annoying half-breed soldier dude?   
  
Spike: Oh right captain cardboard.   
  
Jerry: So, are you next?   
  
Spike: I sure hope so. If she ever wants her underpants back!   
  
Buffy: Spike hasn't tried to kill me for a long time now. He deserves a   
reward.   
  
Jerry: Okay, well. That's fair enough, I suppose. But what about the   
Buffybot?   
  
Buffy: Dead and gone. Old story. No need to continue with the grudge, we   
need to start a new page. It's a new life after all.   
  
Spike: Until further notice, I don't plan on killing her, her friends, or   
conspire against them with their enemy.   
  
Buffy: Oh Spike, that's so romantic. I guess we're alot alike now.   
  
Spike: I'm more like her, than I am like me. It's a complete makeover, mate!   
  
Jerry: Speaking of makeover, our next guest was the biggest bitch in   
Sunnydale, and now she's the most adorable sunshine of Los Angeles. The eyes   
of the helpless and the heart of the hopeless. Cordelia Chase.   
  
Cordy walks into the stage.   
  
Cordelia: Finally! Some camera exposure! (*poses to the camera*)   
  
She spots Buffy on the stage and rushes over to her, squeezing her with a   
big hug.   
  
Cordy: Buffy! You're alive! Oh, thank God!! I missed you SO much!!!   
  
Buffy looks very confused, trying to catch back her breath. When Cordy tries   
to kiss her, Buffy throws her away.   
  
Buffy: Cordy, are you okay? You HATE me!   
  
Cordy: Oh right. I forgot. (*smiles widely*) So what am I doing here?   
  
Jerry: And only one person can answer that, there is only one-   
Angellllllllllllll   
  
Jessica Alba stumbles into the stage. She looks around confused.   
  
Jessica: Oops, wrong stage. Forgot they moved to Monday!   
  
She walks out and Angel, with a big goofy grin walks inside, touching his   
hair.   
  
Angel: (*smiles*) I love visual memory. (*keeps touching his spikes, careful   
not to ruin his haircut*) You don't think I put too much hairgell?   
  
Jerry: I didn't invite you in, yet. What's going on here?   
  
Angel: Oh, I'm not a regular vampire as well. Although I suffer for um, for-   
you know the story, I don't need to repeat it, right?   
  
Cordy: I still don't know why *I'm* here.   
  
Angel walks over to the row of chairs. He looks at Buffy. She smiles at him   
softly. Spike who sits under her legs growls at Angel.   
  
Angel: Hey.. you remind me someone... (*ponders*) B... B..   
  
Buffy nodded encouragingly, waiting for Angel to say her name.   
  
Angel: B... B... Bu-.. Boo.. B.. D.. Da.. ohh!! Darla!   
  
Buffy stops smiling, looking put down.   
  
Angel: (*smiling*) Yes you look just like her.   
  
Cordy: It's Buffy you moron. Your one true love?   
  
Angel: (ah i get it look) Oh! Right! Duh! Buffy! The one that died.   
  
Jerry: Ahha, but reuniting old lovers is not on our agenda tonight because-   
  
Jerry stops as he watches little Kellner making faces at Buffy and Spike,   
sticking out his tongue and forcing a gap between the chairs of Cordelia and   
Buffy. Levin in the mean while makes threats in the air at Buffy with his   
bat.   
  
Jerry: Yes, well, some things even death cannot help. Anyway Angel, a little   
bird told us you will have a new love interest this season.   
  
Cordy: Pffft! Puh-lease! Who on earth in her right mind will want to have   
anything to do with him knowing he can turn evil and after all the things   
he's been through with Buffy, only a girl that really hates herself will   
want to have a romance with unstable guy like him.   
  
Jerry: *coughs* Actually, I heard he grows feelings for YOU.   
  
Buffy and Cordelia exchange looks while Spike snorts, nearly choking with   
laughter.   
  
Cordy: Ewww. Ewww. EWWW. No way on earth and beyond. Like I need Angelus to   
come after me and my clothes. No, no. No thank you!   
  
Angel: This is ridiculous. I thought I was already having a romance.   
  
Buffy looks at him, hopeful.   
  
Angel: With Fred.   
  
Buffy: Fred? Who's Fred?   
  
In the audience the spotlight dwell on Fred, who cowers to hide behind   
Wesley's back.   
  
Angel: Maybe not.   
  
Jerry: No, because- and this a secret known only to the powers that be- we   
have our last guest here- she's 9 months pregnant-   
  
Angel: Can't be anyone *I* know.   
  
Jerry: Darla, the pregnant vampire, please come in!   
  
Darla, with a huge belly, hardly able to hold herself up, enters the stage.   
Angel nearly fall from his chair. The audience gone quiet.   
  
Jerry: She's pregnant, yet she needs an invitation to come in. That's what I   
call a true vampire!   
  
Darla: My boy...   
  
Angel tries to disappear in his chair.   
  
Cordy: Angel? You have something to tell us?   
  
Angel: I've never seen this woman in my life!   
  
Darla: I was looking everywhere for you, Angel! I got something to tell you.   
  
Angel: Just for the record, I'm a vampire with a soul, but I'm still-   
  
Buffy: Oh come-on! He shoots blanks!   
  
Cordy: Ewww. So don't need to hear that. (*covers her ears*) La la la la I   
got audition on Thursday La la la I'm gonna be a star La La La La   
  
Darla tries to sit down, but her stomach is too big to handle and she   
continues to stand.   
  
Spike: Way to go peaches! You really done it, now, eh mate?   
  
Angel: (*grits his teeth*) Spike, I'm warning you...   
  
Spike: Oh yeah, threat the defenseless helpless poor Spike! He got a chip.   
He can't fight back, so lets kill him.   
  
Buffy: Spike, Angel is not human.   
  
Spike: Oh right! (*looks at Angel*) But he's all big and muscly and   
unchained.   
  
Darla: Ohhh   
  
Jerry: Uh oh. I think that she's   
  
Darla: Owwwww.. Ahh.. it hurts dammit!   
  
Buffy: Is she having the baby?   
  
Angel: Now?   
  
Cordy: Oh great. Steal the show, why don't you? My big breakthrough and she   
has to have a little baby vampire on the air.   
  
Darla crouches down, moaning loudly. She seems to be in pain. Angel   
hesitantly moves to help her. (Wesley: Can it be? I've never heard of   
vampires having a baby before! This is astonishing! Gunn: Say, if both   
parents are vampires- does it make the baby an orphan?)   
  
Spike exploits the opportunity and jumps on Angel's back, throwing him away   
from Darla.   
  
Spike: Who's the big bad? Who's the big bad!   
  
Angel growls and strikes back. Both vampires are now in game faces, fighting   
and pawing at each other.   
  
In the second row a group of fans taking out cameras to document the   
historic event. Unfortunately, the fox jumps on them, throw away the cameras   
from their hands, growls and they run away for their lives as he chases   
them, threatening with a lawsuit.   
  
Little Kellner and Levin takes the opportunity everyone is busy watching the   
fox chasing the fans, Angel and Spike fight and Darla having the baby to   
bully Buffy.   
  
Buffy: Go away little boys.   
  
Kellner starts crying and Levin draw out his baseball bat, trying to hit   
Buffy. She ducks his strike.   
  
Buffy: I'm not going to fight little kids!   
  
Angel kicks Spike's head and throws him in the air and he lands, flatting   
Levin to the floor.   
  
Spike: Damn you boy!   
  
He scratches Levin's skin with his fingernails, drawing blood. Frightened,   
he covers his face with his hands.   
  
Spike: Ah! My head! My head!   
  
He stops realizing, he's not in any pain. He looks around and spots a little   
shiny metal thingy on the floor.   
  
Spike: My chip! Nooooo!! He kicked the chip outta my brain!!!   
  
He grins at Levin and snaps his little neck. He sees Kellner holding the   
bat, still crying, trying to get Buffy to fall from the chair.   
  
He grabs the boy and drinks him dry.   
  
Buffy: Thanks, Spike. You saved me!   
  
He grins at her menacingly. She is clueless. He grabs her. But cheers from   
the audience and Darla's scream catch his attention.   
They look back. A baby's cry fill the room. Darla is surrounded by Cordy,   
Angel and Jerry.   
Crew members put the corpses of Kellner and Levin in body bags.   
  
Cordy: Well, what is it? A baby vampire?   
  
Buffy: A monster?   
  
Angel: A little Angel junior?   
  
They clear the way to take a closer look at what Darla gave birth to.   
  
Cordy: It looks like...   
  
Buffy: I think it's...   
  
Jerry grabs the baby, holding him high in the air. The baby looks awfully   
like-   
  
Jerry: My son! Ladies and gentlemen! Isn't he gorgeous? I love me!   
  
Cheers and applauds from the audience.   
  
Angel: Phew...   
  
Spike looks at Buffy.   
  
Spike: (in game face) Now, to our business.   
  
Buffy: You're so sweet Spike, I don't deserve that.   
  
He licks his fangs.   
  
Spike: Finally...   
  
A distraught blonde woman (we'll call her Marti) jumps on the stage.   
  
Marti: No, no, no!! Spike is Angel. Angel Angel Angel!!   
  
Everyone glares at her.   
  
Spike: Did you fell off your tree? Angel is a nancy-boy. I'm evil. I'm the   
BIG bad!   
  
Marti: No! We tried to have Angel forgotten and put her (*points at Buffy*)   
with rikjfrk, I mean- ritgkg. Why can't I say rirkfg? What's going on?   
  
Jerry: (cooing at the baby) This show is fishboy-protected.   
  
Marti: Ah, dammit. Anyway. it didn't work thanks to our fans. Gee, it's so   
good to have fans that buy our products, watch what we make and insist on   
believing what we told them for 3 years. Like we really meant trust the tale   
and not the teller. Of course we didn't mean what we wrote. We only did it   
for the money. Who cares about the fans? I don't even care 10,000 fans   
signed the crossovers petition! Nyah!   
  
The audience boos and starts throwing rotten tomatoes at her.   
  
Marti: You'll pay for this! (*pointing her finger*) I'll bring rigfmfi back!   
  
The audience stops throwing tomatoes at once.   
  
Jerry: (still cooing at the baby) Can't we all get along? The kids that run   
the WB are dead. The fans want to see more crossovers. Why insist on   
destroying everything? I mean, I know i love blood, but- (the fox come   
snarling) - And FOX will have the exclusive copyrights. (the fox relaxes and   
goes back to chasing the fans).   
  
A priest gets up from the audience and claps.   
  
Jerry: Thank you, Father Camden.   
  
Camden: And while the camera focus on me I'd like to say I am not approved   
the only time the WB promotes Angel it's on *my* show. It is violent and   
bloody and Angels are not hellspawns, but heavenly creatures that live in   
harmony with-   
  
The door bursts open. Angel, untidy and a bit distraught walks into the   
stage. He looks around. Spotting Buffy, his face brighten.   
  
Spike: What the bloody hell is going here?   
  
Everyone looking at the other Angel who still checks out his hair absently.   
  
The second Angel searches through the people on the stage. His gaze stops on   
Buffy.   
  
Angel: Buffy?   
  
Buffy looks at him confused. He walks over to her.   
  
The other Angel suddenly jerks back to life and shouts- Impostor!   
  
He launches at Angel who was making his way to Buffy. Suddenly Fred jumps on   
the stage, grabbing the bloodstained baseball bat and beat Angel in the   
head.   
  
Angel: Not me!   
  
He grabs the bat and strikes the tidy Angel. The head falls off with sparks.   
  
Audience: OWWWWWwwwww   
  
Cordy: What is it?   
  
Jerry: (to Jerry Jr.) Coochi-coochi-coo   
  
Buffy: It was an AngelBot!   
  
Finally Real Angel reaches Buffy, sweeps her into his arms and kisses her passionately, tongues and all. She doesn't protest, but return the kiss with even more tongue of her own.   
  
Jerry: Will you knock it off? (covers the baby's eyes) We have a minor here!   
  
They break the kiss.   
  
Buffy: Where have you been?   
  
Angel: It's the weirdest thing. I was down at Wolfram & Hart, in the elevator, and some woman -I couldn't see who- blindsided me and locked me inside.   
  
The audience gasps as the headless AngelBot comes back to life and gets up.   
  
Cordy: It's controlled by a remote control!   
  
The headless AngelBot picks up Spike's chip and starts approaching the bleached vampire.   
Spike jumps.   
  
Spike: Sod off. It's that bloody woman!   
  
He approaches Marti.   
  
Marti: Uh no. Jane! We're exposed! Lose the evidence!   
  
She tries to make a run for it, as bloodlusted Spike runs after her. She falls from the stage and break her neck. The audience cheers.   
  
There's a hassle in the crowd, as Jane Espenson tries to escape the angry mob. As she falls and drops the remote the AngelBot falls down.   
  
Jerry: And another wonderful show has come to an end. I just love me. You are all invited to our wedding. Darla, sure, you don't mind it will be in a church? Father Camden is a bit-   
  
Darla growls and he smiles, fixing his glasses and cradling Jerry Jr.   
  
Darla: *mutters* Come on, let's go for a hunt. I'm hungry.   
  
Jerry and Darla leave the stage with Jerry Jr. But before they manage to leave, a blue light wraps around Jerry and he's pulled back.   
  
Willow: Mine!   
  
The crowd starts to leave. The fox licking his fangs, blood dribbling from the corner of its mouth. Spike grabs a few chicks from the audience who are more than convinced he's good now and don't mind he's plotting how to suck them dry.   
Angel and Buffy talking quietly and leaving the stage together. They stop when they move by AngelBot's lifeless body.   
  
Angel: You really thought it was *me*?   
  
Buffy just kisses him and nudges him toward the exit.   
  
Cordy is still busy signing autographs and promises a few people to mention their name in the Oscar speech.   
  
The stage is already empty when Xander staggers to get to Jerry's microphone.   
  
Xander: And um, I hereby announce that Anya and I, are engaged! Repeat, we are engaged to be married!   
  
Anya smacks her face and then proceeds to chase him out of the stage.   
  
When no one left in the studio and the lights are off. An evil laughter (not unlike Dr. Evil's) is sound in the empty space.   
  
Marti's hands move to fix her head back in its place. She gets up and looks around.   
  
Marti: Joss? Greenie? Are you there?   
  
  
FADE OUT.   
  
  
sign the crossovers petition: http://www.PetitionOnline.com/xovers02 


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